50 Shades of Unacceptable

"Mr. Grey will see you now..."

I'll be the first to admit that I read (part of) the first book when it came out. I didn't realize how far-from-north the book's moral compass was because I dropped out at one of the many parts Christian smelled Anastasia's underwear.... He smelled them. No, just no. That's on a whole new level of freaky to me. Because I couldn't get over how weird these ridiculous sexual acts were, I didn't get the full story until a friend dragged me to the movie this past weekend. I, like many other women, have serious fundamental issues with this movie.

SPOILERS: So the story goes, Anastasia is Christian's "saving grace;" he leaves all of his old, dominant ways in the past to experience true love. Blah, blah, blah...

In the United States alone, anywhere from 1-3 million women are abused by an intimate partner (boyfriend, husband, etc.) per year. That's 8,219 women per day. Unfortunately, I know all too well what it's like to be in that statistic. I was young and dumb- and willing to believe absolutely anything to justify my boyfriend's actions. Abused women are the champions of making things their fault; for instance, your boyfriend could hit you, and you would tell yourself because you said or did something wrong. Worse than that, these women honestly believe that it's their fault.

Photo: Hani Amir (Flickr)

Anastasia clearly suffers from battered woman syndrome. According to medical-dictionary.com, battered woman syndrome is "a pattern of signs and symptoms, such as fear and a perceived inability to escape, appearing in women who are physically and mentally abused over an extended period by a husband or other dominant individual." This syndrome is very common in abused women. It causes the majority of the irrational thinking and decisions made by a woman in an abusive relationship.

The most disturbing thing about this movie is that most of the abuse is emotional. Yes, there is a chilling scene where Christian punishes Anastasia with a leather belt for "acting out," but this is the only instance where notable physical abuse takes place. However, Christian refuses to sleep in the same bed with Ana, refuses to let her touch him, and only lets her stay in his apartment on weekends. Here's the kicker: he throws in "sweeteners"-- REAL dates, like a REAL couple!, new clothes, and even a new Audi! That makes everything okay, right? Gives him a clean slate?

WRONG. Christian uses these tactics to keep his "submissive" exactly where he wants her. While the contract (which explicitly describes abusive acts) was never signed, he still makes love to her (oh, pardon me: "fucks her. Hard.") and carries on as if she had. He was written to be a highly successful businessman, so he's been to a board room or two- he knows how to negotiate, and how to get what he wants.

[Note: As a businesswoman myself, I find it extremely disgusting that businesspeople have this negative connotation about them. But, that's for another blog, another day...]

Emotional and verbal abuse often hurt just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse. I remember exactly what it was like to think that I wasn't good enough for my boyfriend, therefore there was no way that I could be a good person. The depression crept around me with each passing day, sending me deeper and deeper into a hole I felt I couldn't get out of. It's much easier to recover from a black eye than an attack on your character.

Photo: The Lamp (Flickr)

I'll give credit where credit is due: Anastasia attempts to throw the abuse back in his face and give him a taste of his own medicine. At this point in the plot line, she doesn't have too much influence on the way Christian makes his decisions. The only rational decision she makes in the whole movie is to leave the apartment.

Young girls (who I hope wouldn't be seeing this movie anyway) are the ones who are most at risk by the influence of this film. They are most likely to buy into Hollywood's glorification of abuse. Everyone knows the feeling of being a middle or high-schooler who just wants to fit in. This warped relationship stands a chance as setting a precedent amongst younger boys and girls because of all the media it's received. Most people grow into their personality and realize that this type of behavior is absolutely unacceptable. However, if my prediction is true, I'm afraid many young people won't get the chance to change their minds.

It's important that we teach the younger generation of girls and boys that it's okay to speak up. It's highly unlikely that an abusive partner will make any significant change in lifestyle. Organizations such as Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN) exist solely to help battered women (and men) escape these seemingly inescapable relationships.

To all those currently in an abusive relationship (or you know someone who is): speak up! Know that there is a way out. It is NOT your fault. Do NOT undermine, demean, and devalue yourself because someone else has a flawed image of how a relationship should work. The problem is NOT you. Feel free to call the RAINN Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673). If the situation is dire, call 911 immediately.

In the end of this story, Christian changes for Anastasia. Please remember that this is fantasy. Abusers rarely ever change. While being the patron saint for someone sounds like a noble cause, no matter how much you think you can change the abusive person can change... they won't.

Breaking Bitch

100 lbs. on the bar. You go under, set your stance, and lift off. You’re in the zone. While you do your squats (with expert form, mind you), you feel eyes on you. After racking your weights, you walk around to hype yourself up for your next set, and confirm your suspicion: you are being watched. Men look between you and their friends, nodding heads and cracking jokes with each other. Other women look at you with scorn, as you’re taking “much needed attention” away from them.

You can ignore that, though. When you walk outside, you give up your right to complete privacy. Who leaves the house and never looks around, right? You do some looking around yourself. You notice a man, probably younger than you, attempting to bench. He’s not under a press—hell, he’s not even using the right bar. He’s rolling an elongated barbell from his hips, up his chest, trying to push-off, lift the weight, then get back up—all on his own.

This is exactly what happened to me the other day. When I noticed him, I was busy doing my leg press (with 135 lbs. on the machine). So, I left him be.

When I left the gym, I told my boyfriend about what I saw. He laughed and said, “Man, if a girl came up to me when I first started working out and told me I was doing something wrong, I’d have just quit.”

This really baffled me. What’s the difference between a man and a woman telling someone something in the gym? Honestly, I’d rather have a nice woman come up to me and say, “Hey, let me help you with this,” versus your typical meathead guy saying, “Hey, dumbass, you’re fuckin’ that up.”

(Note: I realize that this could be reversed. Women can be just as mean and men can be just as nice.)

When I asked him to explain, he said, “It’s simple. Men go to the gym for a confidence boost. They want to look good, and they want to feel good about themselves. There’s nothing more emasculating than a woman telling you how to workout.”

The reason I write isn’t to praise the “men-haters” or condemn those who subjugate and objectify women. It’s not to prove my boyfriend wrong or pick a fight. My reason for writing is much simpler.

Like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., women have a dream. We don’t want special treatment. We don’t want supremacy. We want phrases such as “like a girl” to disappear. We want to be loved and accepted—as equals.

My goal is to help eradicate the male-dominant status quo. I want to help those men in the gym realize how degrading they can make women feel, but also how much he can mean to the woman (or man- no hate here) he loves. I want to help women stop bickering with each other and putting each other down, and instead encourage them to empower females everywhere. The goal of this blog isn’t supremacy—rather, the goal is to shed light on topics that people are otherwise misinformed on.

I hope your goals are similar. I hope you want to speak up and take a stand with me. I hope you’re ready to start making waves in societal groupthink.

I hope you’re ready to help make a change.

Photo Sources: 

1. http://www.fitbie.com/sites/default/files/bell-squat-b-female.jpg

2.http://www.themuslimtimes.org/wp-content/themes/advanced-newspaper/timthumb.php?src=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.themuslimtimes.org%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F06%2Fgender-equality.jpg&q=90&w=479&zc=1